I recently stumbled on this blog post I wrote some time back but never posted. It’s a bit raw, and not entirely hopeful, but it is truthful to the season that I was in. As I reread I was reminded of another post I wrote entitled Missionary Or Indiana Jones? and in lieu of this I’ve decided to share:
I don’t know about you but I often feel like this whole “Christian thing” is really difficult. The urge to throw in the towel is barely resistable.
You might be thinking “but Tera, you’re a missionary, you’ve given up home and country to obey God’s calling; you’ve got stuff figured out”. Well, you’re partly right. I have left my home, I do live in a foreign country, and I am a missionary. But the truth is, I have very little figured out.
Moving halfway across the world was the easy part. YWAM Muizenberg is a remarkable base and I knew this was where we were supposed to be. The truth is, the sacrifice of leaving home and forgoing the familiarity of the States is hardly a recipe for spiritual enlightenment.
It’s not like I have an uncomfortable life. I’m not experiencing bad living conditions, hunger, or persecution. I live in Cape Town, one of the most beautiful cities in the world.
For me, the difficulty comes when the description of my life has more practical impact than the reality of it. Or when I’m crying out to God in need of a revelation only to be disappointed, again, by my own deaf ears. Or when I look at my incredible colleagues, and the work they’re accomplishing only to see my own shortcomings and ineffectiveness. Or when a broken person stands before me but I have nothing to offer because my cup is parched and cracked.
Now comes the part where I offer some words of wisdom, practical answers, encouragement. But today all I have to offer is my choice to hold, knuckles white, to hope. Hope fueled by memories from my journey and the knowledge of Truth that isn’t dependent on ease, circumstances, or especially, feelings.
This Psalm from David has been my solace:
This faith I choose is very rarely a piece of cake
These days I hear God perfectly, am fully effective in ministry, and have a well-patched, overflowing cup – ha! Not exactly. But I can say that I am absolutely in a more positive place; I still have a lot to learn, but now the sun is shining.